Adult children drawing boundaries to the point of severing the relationship with a parent is on the rise. Some studies even show that as many as 25% of adults have chosen estrangement from at least one parent. Some people call it “no contact.” Murray Bowen, who did a lot of research in family dynamics, called it “cut off.” He explained it as a coping mechanism where people manage unresolved family anxiety or intense emotions by cutting off the family member. This can feel bewildering, lonely, unwarranted, and hopeless as a parent. There is even more at stake when care is needed with aging and access to grandchildren is at risk. How do we navigate this as parents? How should adult children process this decision? Here are a few thoughts moving forward.
Brokenness
One truth to wrestle with is that everyone in the situation is broken. Your family member is broken, and you can probably see that most clearly. There is also some brokenness in the collective voices in the world about how to deal with hard family dynamics. As a parent, you might be noticing that it is much more acceptable now to draw boundaries and even cut off your parents than it was when you were growing up. It might even be a “trend” that gets transmitted through all of our social mediums. If you are a parent who is estranged from your child, you might be thinking how other generations knew better how to honor their parents and how you would have never dreamed to question your own parents in this way.
As offensive as this trend might seem, it’s not the defining thing in your situation. First of all, the trend is not all bad. In some ways, young adults have permission to say what other generations did not feel permission to say. The level of accountability of parents to shepherd their children has been raised. If the goal is to keep smiling on the surface and just plow through family dinners and pictures, then this is certainly disruptive. However, if the goal is personal growth and transformation, then giving children a voice is helpful. If the goal is closer relationships, then being forced to deal with hurt and dysfunction is good. It doesn’t feel good, but it’s good. The reason is because you are also broken and you came from brokenness. You have ways of relating to others that are difficult and hurtful. We all do. I remember being struck by a hero of the seminary I attended whose daughter admitted that he never really took the time to get to know her. Every one of us relates in broken ways.
For the one who risks estrangement
A part of our brokenness is that we each have blind spots. These are areas that others can clearly see about the way we relate that we are unaware of. No matter how healthy we try to be, there is actually no way for us to grow in these areas without feedback from others who live closely with us. That makes our adult children an important voice. Even if we do not agree with everything about their narrative or point of view, we can listen intently and find something we have done that has been hard or hurtful. I find that most of the time, when a person is willing to say, “I can see you are hurt. I want to understand it. I want to own what I have done wrong and change,” then the motivation to cut off diminishes.
For the one who is considering cutting off
Something interesting that Bowen found is that cut off doesn’t necessarily fix the issues. What he found is that often the people who have cut off tend to gravitate towards and repeat the same dynamics in other relationships throughout their lives, trying to fix what never got resolved with their family. So, while there are definitely times where boundaries need to be drawn with abusive, dishonest, and manipulative family members, cut off doesn’t always offer the freedom it promises. There is a possible pathway of growth to stay in the relationship and try to work things out with honest conversation. Sometimes counseling and mediation is needed to help with this. It requires more maturity and regulation to do this, and it might bring anxiety and discomfort.
A question to wrestle with is: What exactly am I cutting off by making this decision? Could I be cutting myself and my family member off from growth, truth, forgiveness, and grace? What things could I try before cutting off? Are there other ways to deal with my anxiety about this relationship?
These are difficult times to navigate. We are thankful to be on the journey with you.
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